I should be finishing my laundry, but...

Instead I am posting to my blog.

I am about 2 weeks behind in posting stories of January, and while its not as if anyone is particularly keeping count, it irks me. I hate being behind- I've spent quite a while catching up in my History of Educational Alternatives online class, and few things are more infuriating.

Part of the problem is that I have a tremendous fear that I won't be able to accomplish something because people can't trust that I'll do a good enough job, and will thus decide that I should not be involved. I think this is one way in which my major inferiority complex expresses itself, as well as my fear that people will not take me seriously because of my appearance or lack of experience.

This year has forced me to seriously confront my fears with regard to how I appear to others, as I am CONSTANTLY meeting new people and convincing them to let me visit their schools/educational programs. Sometimes, like with Marianne and the School Without Walls in the previous post, its easy. Other times, it just doesn't seem to work.

A perfect example is my haphazard attempts to speak with James Kass, executive director of Youth Speaks. First of all, I have a tremendous sense that he thinks I'm a flake, or a pushy busy-body who is also a flake. This sense stems from the terrible situation that developed last summer: Knowledge (Ray) had put me on the spot by asking me to coach a team from West Palm Beach for Brave New Voices. I told him I was traveling, and while I'd love to go to the festival I would not be available to coach because I wouldn't be in town. He had also put Desiree on the spot, in the same manner, and she indicated that she'd be able to coach but not attend- so we decided to split the duties. UNFORTUNATELY, Knowledge didn't send in the forms in time (so he says), so the West Palm Beach team, who had been getting VERY excited about the competition, suddenly could not compete. I started emailing Hodari Davis, the festival coordinator, to see if anything could be done, and I probably came off a bit rude at times. I likely also emailed James Kass himself about this. In the end, the team traveled as 'entourage' and were subject to some poor treatment because of this, which was partly the nature of the festival, and partly because of residual discomfort at the way Knowledge had handled this...

So, I contact Jame Kass, and briefly indicate that my experiences at BNV came about through working with Knowledge, and the FLAKE alarm starts going off in my head. THEN I missed a phone meeting with him, and now I doubt he'll bother to talk to me. I don't know- I just left a message on his voice mail so we'll see. I'm not stalking, and I don't want to bug him because I know he's busy, but... I REALLY WANT TO volunteer with Youth Speaks while I'm out west.

I just hate feeling like I've fucked up and missed an opportunity.
Oh well.